can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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