She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
