Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
