It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I had to cum in my sink.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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