I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
