how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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