I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
