I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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