Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
