I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
