So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
