my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
