i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Actions speak louder than pants.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
