God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
