is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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