i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
