Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
