So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
