i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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