fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
