I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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