I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize