Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
