i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
