if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
