just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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