i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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