Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
