I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
