at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
