I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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