2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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