let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
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