Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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