you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
