dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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