I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
