Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
