I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
