remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
