I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
