Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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