let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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