she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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