drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
