How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
