She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
