last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
