in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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