planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
