Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
